The Cat and The Hog
by Konpakku
Summary: THE BEST FAN FIC EVAR
1. Chapter 1

Two longing souls looked into eachother eyes, one a black and red hedgehog with an attitude the other a dopey rapist purple exchanged soulfull glances into eachothers eyes, they knew the time was right that was what their souls told they leaned in closer and closer and started making out passionately.

-----HOURS LATER------

The beings we now know as Big the Cat were in bed together covered only by sheets, and eachothers warm embrance.  
Big looked at Shadow with soulfull eyes and said "FUCK ME AGAIN"  
Shadow replied with "AWWW YEAHHH!!!"

THE END. 


	2. THE ORGY

Once upon a time....aww screw this man, I'm not going to type in this fantasy-esque vibe coming from the intro.I'm just not going to do it man, I'm going to do it my way and my way alone?K?...What do you mean I can do it any way I want to do it!?Screw you, I'm going to make the best second chapter ever!It's gonna have MOAR CHARACTERS!YES!YES!

Welcome to the second chapter of the BEST STORY EVAR "The Cat and the Hog"

In a room....far far way...actually it's down the block next to Sonic's house. We see a big purple sexy fat cat, dialing up a few numbers on the phone...we hear the words "Yes, yes...come Voldo, your invited to the annual CHIPS!"

And then we pan downwards to the normal area with Shadow sitting on the couch flipping through the porno channels....pretty much the most average can hear muttering coming from his mouth as if he were displeased with the porn...because he said "Dammit...this porn sucks!When is the damn orgy gonna happen dammit!?BIG HURRY THE HELL UP AND CALL EVERYONE DAMMIT!

"I'm working on it!"

"WELL HURRY UP YOU FAT WHORE!"

"Sorry!"

-----------------------TEN MINUTES LATAR-----------------------

We cut back to Big and Shadow waiting in the living room...as the door rings, Big suggests that Shadow goes and answers grumbled and complained about it for a few minutes...before he got up and answered the damn door.  
Outside was all the guests holding....welll you guessed of chips, they flooded into the room like bats on a french fry.

The guests were very simple people, we have Voldo, Captain Hook, Rouge the Bat, Amy for some reason?...seconds later amy was kicked out so she wasn't there, but have Luigi, and then finally....The Goddamn Batman?What's he doing here?Nevermind that let's get to the Orgy!

----------TEN MINUTES OF STRIPPING NUDE LATAR--------------

We see them in a bed, holding onto eachother...as the orgy had just begun!  
In the left corner we see Voldo power humping the shit out of Rouge...literally!She was moaning in pleasure, as underneath she is butt raping Captain hook, and then off to the side we see Big and Shadow raping Voldo grinning as they say.  
"THIS IS THE BEST ORGY EEEEVVVAAAARRR!!!"

---------------------------TWENTY FIVE HOURS LATAR-------------------------

Voldo looked at them with sad eyes....he was sad that the orgy had were all sad that it had ended even Captain Hook, Rouge, Big,....and everyone were an idea sprung into Batman's head.  
"Wanna go at it again?" asked the Dark Knight.

Everyone responded with... "HELL YES!THIS IS GONNA BE FUNNER THEN EVAR!"

-------------------------THE END------------------------- 


	3. THE CHALLENGE PART 1

CHAPTER 3...THE CHALLENGE!

The screen zooms into the living room...we see Big and Shadow looking at eachother as if they were they were conversing but let's take a

listen anyways....and Shadow's the one who happens to be talking at the moment.  
"I need to do something BADASS, and hard...something that will get me back to being popular!"

"Why Shadow?To fulfill some hole in your soul left by the death of Maria?"

".....Who?"

"Such an idiot..."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN IDIOT YOU WHORE!?!?"

Big then proceeded to run out of the room crying...

"YEAH YOU RUN!I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!"

Shadow looked from side to side as he began to rub his chin in thought....

"Hmmm....what to do that will make me badass again...."

Big then burst back into the room seemingly in a good mood again, as they then proceeded to say...

"Don't try to beat a game with your penis whatever you do...remember the time When Jet...."

FLASHBACK

We cut to an extremely extreme bachelor pad in the sky...Jet resting his penis over the keyboard, a familiar title screen appearing.  
I WANNA BE THE GUY to be exact, he stared down this digital he pushed the enter key with his penis and the true fun began, he managed to avoid

ALL THE managed to get to the legendary final boss...THE GUY but in his mad rush to beat the Guy he burst a blood vessel in his penis.  
He writhed in pain on the floor as he screamed these words before passing out.  
"EXTREME!TO THE MAX!"

The lesson was...never use your penis for anything Extreme.

FLASH BACK OVER!

Shadow's left eye twitched as he chuckled to himself "Now, now Big I wouldn't do anything THAT stupid."

Big looked at Shadow a serious look on his face "Are you sure?"

Shadow immediately replied with "Does Shadow have to choke a bitch?"

Big replied quickly with "No...no...nevermind."

Shadow smirked and nodded Big had finally listened...as Shadow looked at the door for some odd reason...feeling as if someone could come bursting through it

right now and challenge him in some badass way.  
Big was also staring at the door...wondering if someone could just bust the door when coming in to challenge Shadow and ruin his newly painted walls, his eyes

twitched as he frowned deeply.

Shadow stared at the door for one more destiny filled second as....it burst into pieces a familiar green bird ramming through it as he appeared in front of

Shadow pointing at him.  
"Shadow...I see you and your date are having a nice time...but on another note I challenge you to an guitar showdown!But there's a catch...you can only play

it with your penis!"

Shadow stared down Jet for a split second before responding "I accept your epic challenge Jet, meet me back here at 3 am tomorrow morning...I just need to

pick a song."

Jet nodded as he said "As long as it's EXTREME! enough for my tastes" as he turned his back to Shadow, and somehow...flew?Out of the scene into to his

extreme bachelor's pad.  
Shadow looked onwards as he saluted..."That Jet is truly a great, great man."

Shadow walked back into his house, as he dug around in his own belongings looking for his old guitar...he didn't have ANY idea on what song to play, and he

knew Jet was going to play a Dragonforce songe he just KNEW therefor he had to play a Dragonforce song as well...but which one?That wasn't in his mind

at the moment, as his plan had was going to cheat....he couldn't have his badass reputation ruined.

Shadow made a fist pump as he declared he would be recognized as the best person EVER, and that no one would stand in his way of glory.  
Not even Big....ok MAYBE Big would stand in his way, but NO ONE else...especially that blue son of a bitch Sonic....he hated Sonic alot, for wanting to bang

Tails just freaked Shadow out in the worst ways imaginable...so he blocked it out with images of Big and ROuge, as a drop of drool slid down his

face.

He quickly wiped it off before Big could notice as he stumbled into the room and said....

"Shadow don't spend too much time trying to think of a song...you can beat him with ANY Dragonforce song, I have all my trust put in you."

Shadow had a small tear of joy...well it was microscopic cause Shadow doesn't cry roll down his face as he said..."Yeah, you better."

Big walked out his room hoping he had motivated Shadow properly and that he wouldn't go down the wrong path of cheating and lies.

Shadow sat down on his bed looking down guitar in hand...as he whipped out a list of Dragonforce songs and started reading off.  
as he said.  
"I won't let myself lose...I'm too damn badass for that, I'll have a bet with him before the thing...who ever wins gets to beat the shit out of Sonic...and

whoever loses has to hang out with Sonic for an hour. Yeah that sounds good..."

As the screen faded out to blackness and Shadow's badass vibes were ready to win.

---------------------------------TO BE CONTINUED----------------------------- 


	4. THE CHALLENGE PART 2

The screen fades back into Shadow sitting on his bed looking at himself as he mutters to himself, he had decided to NOT do a Dragonforce song after was going to do a song of a band that was less known, what that would get him more popularity for original something unique....he didn't know what song to do at the moment.

But he did know that it would make him the most badass Hedgehog on the planet....he knew he only had 3 hours left until the he was having difficulties...Big had came in and tried to comfort him but it didn't work like it usually did looked down at the ground as he frowned deeply, pondering what to do next.

Shadow looked upwards as he stood up a fist pump curing his somewhat annoyed state, as he ran out of his room and got to Big's had an idea that would make everyone love him more then they already did...yes.

He was going to rummage through Big's closet and get a badass rock costume out of that...but when he looked in he saw no rock costumes.

The only thing there was a....Froggy figured that this would do fine, and the kids would love him...and the women purred in the sexiest way imaginable as he suited up, and looked at himself in the mirror as he grinned at himself.  
"I'm... I'm... so..... sooooo... damn sexy."

Shadow suddenly had a grin on his face as he looked at his hands....he knew what he was going to he was going to play it damn good, and no one was going to stop him from playing this particular song.

He knew this gave him the chance to win the whole thing, and he was going to kick Jet's just had the feeling in his gut, as if this was his destiny as if it was going to come flooding out of the tip of his penis and become sound.

Making everyone splooge themselves in sheer joy as he announced the name of it to himself.  
"Chapter....Four..."

Shadow took a badass stance as he walked out into the main room where he was....he was ready for whatever Jet could throw his way.

And he knew he was ready, he wasn't going to back down from a challenge as big and epic as smirked as he gave a thumbs up to Big, as Big nodded seemingly understanding what those gestures meant when paired together.

As Shadow stared down Big for a split second before speaking.  
"I'm ready to Challenge Jet at his own game, I'm going to shred my song with my I'm going to do it better then Jet could ever imagine."

"Your going to cheat aren't you?"

"Maybe."

Shadow grinned wide...a first for this black and red crosses his arms, as he turned to the door...looking at Big one last time before he was going to embark on his journey to the challenge arena.

Big smiled and Shadow, knowing this might be the last time he'll see him in this badass mood, as Shadow turned around and stepped out of the doorway, shutting it behind walked on his long journey down the road of extremeness, he then realised how he could get their quick and initiate the challenge that would make him famous.

Well...more famous then he was before as we all know Shadow has always been famous and probably always will be.

Shadow was nearing his destination, the bigass floating Bachelor's pad coming closer and closer to Shadow's range of grinned at the sight, he had a feeling he was going to win this fight...erm....guitar playing penis challenge.

He broke out into a dash but mind you this wasn't the extremely gay kind of dash that you'd expect to see from MAN, this was the kind of dash you'd see from a true badass.

That would leave you staring in awe and possible be inspired to hopelessly try to emulate this epic of course you'd fail but that's not the point...Shadow leaped up landing ont he wing of the bachelor's he walked in staring down Jet as he said.

"I'm going to kick your ass."

Shadow reached onto his back as he pulled out his guitar, Jet pulling his out at roughly the same time as lights flickered on....Shadow looking at the whole sitatuion from his perspective he had this grin on his face that would give him a certain arrogant seemed to be rather arrogant as well...staring Shadow down feeling as if this was going to be easy.

Both of them started playing their penises going incredibly fast as they began to sing at their respective parts of the song.  
Jet happened to be playing Disciples of Babylon with his penis at extremeness epitutes...as he sang along giving off an aura of epic.

What?You expect me to type the lyrics of the songs for you?Screw you...just go to youtube and watch those songs while reading this fanfiction.

Later on we see them about to finish when Shadow finished perfectly activating a secret trigger on his shoe, causing it to "accidently" burn Jet's face and knock him to the ground messing up his song.

Therefore Shadow won...

Jet was at his knees his penis sore and stiff as Shadow stood above him a smirk on his face, Shadow knew he had won in this challenge against Jet as he helped him to his feet.

He looked at Jet as if he was a good challenge to his badass level, but not enough of a challenge to win against the great and allmighty looked upwards a look of defeat on his face as he latched onto Shadow's arms with his flipped Shadow out the window causing much pain and screaming, as Shadow hit the ground hard damaging his pride and his bones.

He looks up as he was falling as he yelled.  
"I TRUSTED YOU JET! I TRUSTED YOU!" seconds before he hit the ground and went splat.

Shadow woke up in the hospital Big looking over him as Big suddenly was shoked from Shadow awaking and looked down at him grinning as if he had died and came back to life.

You see the fall had caused Shadow to experience his first ever coma...not long sleep like the 50 year one he coma, as Big gripped Shadow's hand tears of joy rolling down his he looked at Shadow some more...Shadow looking up at him smirking and chuckling at Big's emotional state.

As you see Shadow knew what would make the both of them happier then they had ever been in their that would cure the emotions drifting off of him.  
"Let's have wild sex" said Shadow smirking.

-5 HOURS LATER-

Shadow and Big arose from the hospital bed as they looked into eachothers eyes the joy from their relationship getting back onto a stable road had appeared, as Shadow looked at Big and grinned some moar.

Shadow looked out the window of the hospital as he said.  
"Shouldn't we be getting back home Biggy?"

"Yeah we should get back home..."

"Let's go Big!"

They rushed out of Shadow's hospital room raeping all that tried to stop them from leaving, as they realised that they didn't have any car or anything to get back home in.

As Big looked at Shadow greatly confused as Shadow then suggested that Big ride on Shadow's back, as Big accepted the offer and climbed onto Shadow's stood strong and firm still wearing the Froggy costume for some reason, as if Big was as light as a feather.

As he pulled out his chaos emerald and shouted.  
"CHAOS CONTROL!"

As he got them home in an incredibly small amount of time, as soon as they stepped into the house and set Big down we see Sonic rushing into the room grinning, smirking and waggling his gay finger.

Shadow looked at Sonic with a simple "WTF" face, as Sonic realised he hadn't explained to Shadow why he was in his looked at his finger for a moment trying to come up with an excuse as one quickly popped into that tiny mind of his.  
"I'm here to argue with you Shadow!"

"Argue....with me?"

"Yeah!Argue!"

"Why the hell do you want to argue with ME Shadow the hedgehog?"

"I dunno...cause I'm bored I guess?"

"...Idiot"

"I'm not an idiot you emo!"

"I'M NOT A FUCKING EMO YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

"YOU FUCKING ASS FACE!"

"BLUE FAGGOT!"

"CAT FUCKER!"

"FOX FUCKER!"

"Shadow you are clearly the worst husband in the history of the world...you fail at life and should die."

"Well...well...YOU HAVE A TINY PENIS!"

Sonic looked at Shadow for a moment looking as if the insult hadn't effected him for a split second as his eyes started to well up, and tears began to pour down the blue fags face.

Shadow grinned in Sonic's face as he pushed him lightly on the chest causing much effect as the tears in Sonic's face become streams of tears.

Going faster then the speed of sound following some gay ass rainbow for for something reason as Sonic ran out but not before saying.  
"WHO TOLD YOU!?!?!?"

Shadow looks around for a second confused as he said...

"Hasta La Vista Bitch"

END CHAPTER


	5. THE VISITORS

CHAPTER 5.....VISITORS

Shadow keeps a close eye on the door somehow knowing whenever anyone would come in and disturb this great day, he had a feeling that it would happen felt like a crawly feeling coming up his spine he shrugged it off when at first no one came....but sadly the door burst into pieces once more.

A large cat like figure came running into the room...well it WAS a cat so it wasn't catlike...but it WAS at the same contemplated that conundrum for a second before this new figure infront of him said it's first words, in Shadow's house anyways.  
"Hey Shads, I'm Big's cousin...Large."

"Erm...what are you doing in here then?"

"Oh Big wanted me to introduce him to my date."

"Where is it?"

"Oh...he's behind me."

As soon as Large had uttered those words that had come out of his mouth ever so quickly, he moved to the side so we could get a view on who he was referring to as being behind Shadow's line of sight we see a fox, no it wasn't Tails the fox it was someone different.

We soon notice that this fox's difference are massive....as it's fur is not orange/yellow but black and red eyes twitching in the light, garbed in a black hoodie and baggy khaki colored opens his mouth and speaks.....

"I am....Ray...the fox."

Big quickly noticed that he had guests as he came dashing into the room, as he spotted his cousin and Ray the fox.A wide grin overcoming his face as he looked at the two of them.  
"Hello I take it your Ray the fox?...LARGE!Long time no see!"

Large and Big looked at eachother for a second before Large recognized Big and let out a resounding "BIIIG!" as the both ran towards each other embracing each other in the manliest hug that the world had ever ...no one had EVER seen a hug that manly.

We then turn the the other two...Ray and Shadow they were currently staring eachother down like it was nothing...like they were meant to argue at least ONCE In their life time.

THey knew it and we knew it, as their eyes looked as if they had the rage of fifteen burnt pancakes as they wanted to argue so didn't know who should start the insults or argueing as Ray decided to start a conversation out of lack of knowledge that Shadow hated him...

"So Shadow.....sup?"

"Did you just say sup to ME Shadow the hedgehog!?"

"Erm....yes?"

"Screw you, screw you and your mother."

"Hey..you don't have to be so harsh man."

"AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BE BORN!"

"..."

"But we don't all get what we want now do we?"

"Seriously...why do you hate me Shadow?What have I done?"

"Exist."

"OH!I see it..you want me to insult you eh?Well seeing as your asking me..I WILL!You son of a bitch!"

"Fuck you Ray."

"NO YOU."

Shadow reached over to Ray's level as he swifty slapped him acrossed the face, as Ray's eyes widened frowned sadly as he ran out of the room, to console himself from the insult storm that Shadow had dished out in his general direction.

Big and Large seprated from their warm embrance as they started into eachothers eyes...making it obvious that these two were Large started at Big and Big started at Large one of them decided to initiate a conversation.

"So....Big...hows life with Shadow?"

"Oh it's nice....good....good."

"That's nice."

"How's life with Ray, Large?"

"Oh it's pretty good, he treats me well."

"Well that's nice"

"I gotta go, me and Ray have to leave for no reason."

"Oh...ok see you later."

Big and Large looked at eachother for a split second as they waved, as Large then turned around waved on final time and dashed out of the had a large grin on his face....he hadn't seen Large in years and that day he had gotten to know him again.

Shadow looked at Big happy that everyone was gone, as he put his hand on his chin a thought rushing back into his mind....something that reminded him of this sitatuon that the two of them were in.  
"Hey Big...remember that one time when..."

-----------------FLASH BACK------------------

We see a flash of Big and Shadow from the 80's, afros on their heads for some reason as they look into their were currently dancing to the tune of a generic disco song, one that I can't entirely remember.

But let me tell you that it had a cheesy name, as Shadow had an afro pic on his hair and so did Big as they sang along lyrics were far too embaressing to be properly remembered.

As they looked at each other and planned to run apart and have Shadow jump and Big catch him...but it failed. Miserably...as Shadow slammed into the wall at full speed, causing much pain as Shadow slid down the slick surface of the wall.

---------------FLASH BACK OVER--------------

"The moral?Don't do Disco."

Big nodded as he indeed did remember everything that Shadow had mention about the flash back, as someone came running through the doorless doorway and pointed at Shadow clearly angered by something that he had done.

As it's revealed that the figure was Tails the fox, and he was pissed...and I mean he looked at Shadow some more before deciding to talk, and reveal why he was mad.

"Sonic told me what you said to him..."

"What of it?"

"WELL I'M PISSED AND DON'T WANT YOU INSULTING MY BEST FRIEND LIKE THAT YOU BITCH!"

"I can do whatever the hell I want."

"You can if you want to get hurt."

"You know what?Fuck you foxfag, fuck you up the ass."

Tails looked at Shadow with the same expression that Sonic had when he had been tosses with multiple insults, as tears IMMEDIATELY began to pour from his he dashes out of the room clearly humiliated and depressed from what Shadow had said.

Shadow blinked for a second not even remembering what had happened as he pulled out his stereo turned it on, and popped in a VHS into his VCR as he pushed the play button activating the video that he desired to watch.

The video became clear what it was as soon as it popped on screen...a female excercise instructor popped in doing exercise routines and well...instructing people on how to do clearly complied with her every will as he said.  
"WORK IT, WORK IT, BEND BEND, NOW WORK IT, WORK IT, AND TWIST TWIST."

CHAPTER END.

PS: The next chapter will be an ask the characters special just letting you all know that.

So yeah....send in your reviews with questions for the chars, k? Good.


	6. SHADOW GETS FIRED PART 1

(Author's Note: You know what?Screw the special, this is going to be the best chapter ever. It's going to have blackjack...and hookers. You know what?Forget the blackjack.)

It was a bright and sunny day the birds were singing, and the insects were um....erm.....making bug noises, all was grand in the land of Big the Cat and Shadow the hedgehog nothing seemed out of the ordinary about this day except well...it was strangely escalating into violence or sex within the first few minutes, infact it seems like the average sleepy most surburban homes experienced, until Big the cat woke up that is....he stretched his arms as he shook Shadow until finally resorting to kissing him full force to get him up and out of the bed as Big the cat said.

"Honey.....if you don't get out of bed soon you're going to be late for work, you know the boss doesn't like when you do that."

"Oh tell the boss to go shove it up his a-"

"Oh and breakfast is ready Shadzypoo 3"

"WHAT?BREAKFAST?COUNT ME IN!"

Shouted Shadow with glee as he speed off into the dining room and set down at the table as Big brought the breakfast to the table as Shadow dug into the plate shovelling the food into his mouth as ast as humanly possible, erm.....hedgehogly possible, well it was pretty damn fast that's alll I can say about Shadow had filled his gullet as he burped with satisfation his job had been completed, as he leaned back in the chair letting his newly found gut hang he looked at Big the cat and asked him one simple question....

"Oh Big am I forgetting anything to do today?"

"Yes Shadzypoo......you forgot to go to work, if you don't go soon you're going to be fired."

"Oh screw that jackass....I'm going back to sleep and if he doesn't like that too bad!" exclaimed Shadow...

---THE NEXT MORNING---

Shadow awoke in the morning as he arose from his bed quickly and walked to the breakfast table and sat down as he looked around his breakfast still hadn't been prepared.....as he heard the phone ringing as Big the cat brought it to him and placed it into his hands as Shadow answered the phone the only way he knew how rudely and somewhat violently.

"Who the hell is it and why are you calling me at this time?IT'S 6 IN THE MOTHERFUCKING MORNING."

"I wouldn't talk to your boss that way Shadow...."

"Oh....it's you I apologise I thought it was someone else....heheh yeah someone else."

"Shadow since you failed to come to work yesterday I'm afraid to inform you that you are fired...."

"WHAT!?!?"

"You heard me you're fired, don't even come back again"

Were his bosses last words as Shadow slammed his telephone down onto the reciever effectively hanging up as he had a look of anger on his face that no one had ever seen before, even angrier then he had ever been in his long looooooong life span, as Big the cat looked at him wondering why he was so Big the cat stared for a few more seconds he thought of a question that he would ask Shadow the hedgehog..

"Shadow who called and what did they say to you?You can tell me anything..."

"OH nothing...erm....my favorite football team didn't win....yeah that's it...I'll be heading off to work...bye!"

Said Shadow as he hugged and kissed Big the cat as he ran off and out the door as he walked to the park and sat on the bench a depressed look on his face, as he looked down into his palms and sighed....wondering why he had thought that skipping work for a day had been even a remotely good he sat and thought for a second acertain blue blur sped infront of him and said...

"What's with the angst Shadz?Oh wait you always angst..."

"Sonic kindly get the fuck out of here before I ring your neck and.....and....."

Sonic walked off as he thought these simple yet quick words to himself....

'I wonder what Shadow's upset about....'

----------------

Shadow looked at himself spotting a broken mirror laying on the ground as he thought one thing to himself he shouldn't waste his time angsting as he is the world's ultimate life form he can do whatever the hell he wants and whenever he wants to do it no one can tell Shadow THE hedgehog what to do, he knew there was only one honorable path to simple and concise solution to the problem....hell no he wasn't going to go and ask for his job back. His pride is too large for him to even attempt to do anything even remotely like that....he was going to...become a pioneers of the modern day, the honorable drunken warriors or samurai as I prefer to call it were going to train him to beat his old boss.

A light bulb lit up above his head he had an idea....but first he had to turn off the damn light bulb he didn't want it following him all the way during his adventure as he reached up over his head and plucked it out of the sky chuking into in a random he heard the resounding sound of someone shouting "OUCH!" he knew that voice from somewhere as he approached it....it....it....was a hobo!

"Kind hobo....would you teach me in the ways of the hobo fighting style?My old boss fired me for no good reason....wanting to put out my flame of destiny, to end my cries to the night.."

"You don't have to talk to me like that just because I'm a hobo, I may be an honorable warrior but we don't need to talk like one....we're casual people."

Said the hobo as he reaches into the garbage can and pulled out a banana peel omnomnomming on it as he looked at Shadow who was staring but chose to ignore it, as he once again reached into the trash can and he pulled out an elegant Katana as he pointed it at Shadow smirked under the paper bag that covered up most of his head as he spoke.

"So are you ready for the training?"

TO BE CONTINUED 


End file.
